The Attack of the Killer Cheese October 15, 2008

My boss was talking to me today and he kept saying remember when I said this and that? I smiled and nodded but he caught on that I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I can’t understand where my mind has gone in the past couple of months. I am lucky I can still remember how to tie my shoes or chew my food. So I was totally busted and now my boss thinks I am an air head. Yay me!

Last night I had my third nervous breakdown of the month. The other two were mild. This one last night almost put me in the psych ward where I would be drawing on the wall with a crayon in my toes singing What a Wonderful World. I decided to break out my journal. It is the coolest! It’s really just some lame notebook where you can rotate this lever in the front and you can pick from six moods to be in. You know mine pretty much stays at confused. ; ) Back to the breakdown here; I get side tracked easily. I sit down with my ‘hawt’ journal and then my puppy starts a spaz attack and pees on the floor. I clean that up and turn around and she is jumping on the cats. I am yelling like the moron that I am and she is just ignoring me. I busted out the handy-dandy spray bottle. She thought we were playing a game of “Jump on the Cat and Then Chase the Stream of Water Flying at My Head”. Needless to say that was not fun. An hour goes by and I still have not picked up my pen to write. My neighbor called me during one of my famous Turret’s attacks on the dog and asks me if everything is okay. I told her I was busy yelling at the dog and she said she could hear. I think I may have just gotten OwNeD there. She actually made a jab at me when she has the nerve to let her dogs shit in my yard and dig holes that are just big enough for me to slip and twist my ankle in when it’s dark. I am currently plotting my revenge on those neighbors. To be continued on that one…..

I still have not seen the neighbors across the alley. I even drove past the house tonight on my way home from work and it was dark. I had a ton of groceries to carry in so you know I hauled ass doing it. I was afraid that guy would be lurking around out there waiting to grab me and throw me in the river with his baby’s mama. I swear I am not paranoid either. I watch Lifetime you know.

Lets move on to the pet peeve portion of the night. Why do people talk with food in their mouth? I actually had a small piece of cheese propel from some ones mouth tonight and stick to my shirt. I will be honest, I threw up a little in my mouth on that one. It was all chewed up and yellow and stuck on the cream colored part of my shirt. People, if you have food in your mouth, I can wait to talk to you. I know they say time is precious, but so is my damn Express sweater that is dry clean only!

For my nightly recap, I have CRS Syndrome (Can’t Remember Shit), I didn’t get to journal last night, I have a puppy that is capable of plotting revenge on me, my neighbors all need Prozac and they need to share it with my paranoid ass, and I had a chunk of chewed up cheese on my sweater today. All in all I had a pretty damn good day. Tootles!

Stop the Madness October 14, 2008

 

I swear this is my new puppy. She is officially possessed by rotten demons and I am looking for a priest to come and preform the exorcism. I followed the little shit around the house yesterday so she couldn’t poop in the house. She got back at me for sure. She just didn’t poop at all and sat there miserable to get back at me and make me feel awful. She was happily obliged to pee all over my floor last night a couple of times though. Gotta love having a possessed baby!

On a lighter note my fat ass is craving fried food. I never eat food like that but I could seriously take down a whole chicken right now. I could go for a whole pan of tater tots, a whole fried chicken, and then a bag of chocolate. Oh wait, I already ate the whole bag of chocolate while at work today. The perks of having students that love you is they bring you candy, the bad thing is your ass grows. They warned me about the 20 pounds I was going to gain but I thought they were lying. I see now that I am going for 50!

I just have not been inspired lately. I usually have some great blog stuff but all I really have to write about is stupid people. Maybe I will run with that one?

When a girl says maybe you should take me out, that means ask me out and I will say yes. Men have horrific timing. They do not understand that a woman will not fall over them in the first five minutes of meeting them. It takes time. And guys if you’re reading this, put away your vulgar card. Win her heart with polite things to say with no mention of what you would like to do with your penis and her. That is totally gross. If you can’t say nice things, keep your mouth shut and just smile. She will know what you’re thinking but a woman much rather know what you’re thinking than actually hear it come out of your mouth. Save the dirty talk for later.

That brings me back to a conversation I overheard earlier. Let me spell this one out for you….

“Sup baby” (guy)

“Hey boo” (girl)

“What you doin later?” (This guy really thinks he has game. He has on a pink shirt poppin his collar, with green shorts, and some gold ass shoes. This is the pic a girl would pull off photobucket, send it to another girl, and make fun of it.)

“I don’t know.” (She bats her eyelashes)

“K. I will holla at cha later. Me and the boys are going out for some drinks.”

“Ok. Well, I guess I will talk to you later.”

The poor girl walked away with her head down totally disappointed. Guys, please do not ask what a girl is doing that night unless you have plans to ask her out. Otherwise you fit into the “Dick-wad” category. That’s right, I pulled out my vulgar card there! It just leads a girl on. Don’t get me wrong either, a girl will mess with a guys head too. It’s just sad. I wanted to grab that guy by his ear and pull him back over and explain what he just did. You know that girl got her hopes up and she heard, “I am interested, but I need to know where you’re gonna be tonight so I don’t run into you with this other girl I am taking out tonight”. People play so many mind games. Just say what you think. Life is too short to play those guessing games.

So I got some neighbor drama going on too. This guy who is 45 lives with his 22 year old girl friend who is his baby’s mama. She up and left with the baby and no one has seen her for weeks now. I barely see him there either. You would think he would have his kid though from time to time. No one has seen the baby either. I am seriously starting to wonder if he dumped her in the river or something. Could I be living across from a serial killer and not even know it? He hasn’t even had his other kids over. Something creepy is going on with that one! I think I need to go nail my windows shut so he can’t steal me in the middle of the night and throw me in the river too! (Like how my mind works?)

Same Old Song and Dance October 13, 2008

The title is so fitting. You would think I would learn from my mistakes and move on with life. Some how I am obsessed with all my mistakes. I still sing the same old song and I haven’t changed my infamous dance move since the tootsie roll was invented. You would think with me being so young my life would be ever changing. I have some how been stuck in a rut for over a year now.

I decided to go on a date with a guy that I dated 8 years ago. Looking back on the situation, he was part of my past for a reason. Stupid me started talking to him again and agreed to go out to dinner with him. He was fashionably late picking me up, had the personality of a gym sock, and was too skinny for my liking. Some how I still let myself get exciting and thought maybe he would turn out to be a nice guy and I wouldn’t notice that his left ear stuck out two inches from his head. Needless to say he turned out to be a total ass wipe. He kept texting me asking me what I was doing that night with no follow up. Eventually he fell off the face of the earth. And that my friends, is my Cinderella story in a nutshell.

Now I like a guy that I blew my chance with a few months back. He was interested but I was yet again to worried about what other people would think. I was too blind to see that he is a caring, sweet, and an honest person. I was too busy looking at the exterior and listening to other people’s judgements. I can’t believe how dumb I can be. Sometimes you need to think outside of the box and go for that person that you wouldn’t normally date. You would be suprised at how much you would have in common with that person. I guess if it’s meant to be it will be. I can’t think every minute about how much of dip I really am.

I had to put my dog to sleep a few weeks ago. She struggled with seizures and it turned out to be a brain tumor. I did everything I could, but her time had come. I just got a new puppy. Her name is LuLu and she is a red poodle. You know what’s funny? I never understood that saying about kicking puppies until I got her. I have no clue why this dog is afraid to take a shit outside. Some how I think I will never understand. I have been on her ass today like white on rice and she has not pooped at all in the house. Nor has she went outside either. I think she is saving it for when I go to bed tonight. She loves me like that. Since she is unable to poop in the house today, she has taken to peeing on my floor. When you pick her up, she just keeps peeing all over you. Talk about fun times. I think I would have rather had a baby than gotten a puppy.

As you can see. Nothing has changed at all…….