Life has been just ducky for me. Three weeks ago I had my wisdom teeth barbarically ripped from my head. I was out cold when they did it and I woke up in my bed at 3 in the afternoon so that was nice. I guess I cussed everyone out in the office at the oral surgeon though. That is always embarrassing when you have to go back for a check up and the nurse is giving you dirty looks because you called her a f-in B. Oops! I mean it’s not like they have never had anyone do that before?
Last night I was at the lovely dentist again to get more work done. I ended up getting 4 cavities filled and 2, yes 2, root canals. I wasn’t able to hold my mouthopen for the 2 and half hours so they had to stick blocks in the side of my mouth. Now I have gross skin from being all stretched out. The worst part is the damn pain. I am full of Darvacet. I had to take today off work so I can be drugged up. The nice thing is I am feeling no pain at this point. This blog should be interesting.
Now on to more important matters. Lets talk about dumb-*ss people who cannot drive. Let me set the scene. I decided to drag my mother with me to the store to get my friend’s kid a bithday present. It is a nice day and every moron in the world in on the road. I had 4 people pull out in front of me to go 20 miles below the speed limit. I really didn’t think the Jeep was capable of rolling at a nice, steady 15, but it did just fine. Right when I was ready to pull it into four wheel drive and play demolition derby, the idiot that was in front of me for 6 miles turned. I thought I was on my way when another dip in a wind up car pulled out. Now what in God’s green earth would posses some one to pull out in front of a car triple the size of yours, going 45mph, I will never know. That m-fer pulled out and brake checked me. Now even my mother is cussing at this point. I decided to explore my options. 1) Run him over and take the raise in insurance with a smile of satisfaction 2) Ride his bumper and make him nervous 3) Attempt to pass him on the 2 lane road or 4) Attempt to enjoy the scenery rolling down the street at 10 mph. Now which option do you think I went with? You are right! I rode his *ss leaving about 1 inch of space between us. He kept looking at me in his morrors and giving me a dirty look. How can he have the nerve to give me a dirty look?!?! So we have to make a turn to get out onto the 4 lane road and he is takinghis sweet time making that turn. I couldn’t take it anymore. I layed on the horn and he jumped so high he hit his head on the roof of his matchbox car! He rolled down the window and gave me the finger as I passed him. How gentleman like. Now the real satisfaction comes from cutting him off and then having to make a turn in front of him. Now the guy picks up speed to stay on my bumper. I won though! When I was going to turn he started laying on the horn. I slammed on the brakes causing him to slam on the brakes, causing his little demonic car to smash into the curb. I guess that taught him a lesson….Don’t mess with a crazy pms-ing bitch! What kills me is my mom says that wasn’t nice and she was the one calling him every name in the book!
OH! Just had some excitement on the block and I got to witness the lazy, fat cops that protect our streets. Some one called for a wellness check on the lady that lives across the ally. No one has seen her for a couple of days so they wanted it checked out. So here I go outside and I am surprised they didn’t arrest me for committing a fashion crime. I have my hair pinned back, paw print shorts, a shirt with blue and pink kittens on it, blue paw print slippers and no make up. I am a sight for sore eyes! So the cops are knocking at the door an no one answers. Finally they open a window and the lady cop says she doesn’t want to take everything off to go in and to call some more cops and get one to go in. That is the epiphany of laziness right there. I wish I could call for back up at work when I didn’t feel like doing. Any who, the other cops come and you can tell the one is a rookie and he looks like he is going to pass out when they tell him he is the one to go in. He finally gets through the window and comes out the door and says she isn’t in there. This lady has no family or friends and her car is in the drive way. The cops didn’t find this strage when we told them. So my neighbor has magically disappeared.
On another sad note, my doctor told me I am fat. I am not morbidly obese, I just need to lose 25 pounds. My knees have been hurting and I have been tired. I just thought it was stress so I kept eating those cookies every night. Those cookies have now permanently positioned themselves on my *ss. It’s funny how when you wear dress slacks and sweat pants everyday, you don’t notice the weight creeping on. Try to put on a pair of jeans though and not be able to pull them over your knees. Woo, that’s a reality check. He said I need to exercise and lose the weight. No sh*t S! I think I am aware that the extra weight feels like I have a toddler strapped to my back at all times. I thought about joining a gym, so I went to Curves and checked it out. Not for me. I am not into sweating to the oldies channel. I thought about some other gyms in the area but my OCD has kicked in and I am convinced I am going to catch MRCA. It has been running rampant in my area and the last thing I need is to catch that from a machine that some sweaty person has touched. The whole gym thing freaks me out. You touch things that hundreds of other people have touched, people have germs, and that is how you die. I swear my mind works like no one else’s that I have ever met. I thought about doing some home exercise. I ordered a pilates set off tv 2 Thanksgivings ago when I was drunk and having a sad moment. I decided to take it out of the box two days ago and give it a try. I popped in the dvd and realized I should watch it first so I don’t hurt myself doing the exercises. Some how unbeknownst to me, I ended up watching it in bed with a pack of doubble stuffed oreos and I was exhausted after I watched it and took a nap. So I guess the self motivation exercise is out of the question. I am just lost on how to get this weight off and be healthy about it. Sure I could pop diet pills for a quick fix but the strein on your heart isn’t worth it.
So these are my stuggles this week. I am sure I will have a solution to all of these problems by the next time I write. I just love to keep everyone posted about my pathetic I live. Please feel free to leave exercise tips so I can rid my *ss of the toddler that keeps following me!
