Ouch the Truth Hurts February 24, 2008

Ouchy! I just realized a lot of things that I have been avoiding and I am not too happy. I like to just avoid things and hope they go away, but today I have taken some time out to realize what has been eating at me and keeping me from truly being happy.

I am nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. I hadn’t hit me until this afternoon. I don’t know why I am worried. I just don’t like to fail and deep down inside it hurts to think that i might fail. I don’t think I could live with myself if I ever got fired from a job because I couldn’t cut it. Rejection is a bitch.

The one that tugged at my heart the worst was my relationship issues. I know some people may think I am crazy for displaying this for other people to see but unless you share, you don’t heal. Who knows, this may help some one else? I keep having a dream about my ex. It is very vivid and seems like I am really there and not dreaming it. We were happy, but I think we were growing apart. I never really had closure from this relationship and it has been eating at me for two whole years now. In my dreams we always meet for dinner and he tells why things have ended. Logically I woke up from the dream this morning and made the list of why things ended. I think I may have my closure now. That list was pretty damn long. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it before, but it’s like a huge weight has been lifted.

Also I have realized that I am a cimmitment phobe. If there is the slightest chance that a man would want a relationship with me I run like hell. I am allergic to commitment. The very thought of it right now is giving me hives. You would think I would want to share my life with some one and have the chance to be happy, but I always think I have to do things my way. Well, my way hasn’t worked in two years. All it has cause me is pain and heart ache and I am so used to shutting people out, I don’t know how I am going to ever let some one back in.

I am very nervous about going back to school in the fall. I have taken my time picking my major and I am sure of what I want to do, but what if I change my mind yet again? I saw how much my four year education is going to cost me and I got sick from seeing that bill. I know education is worth every penny, but why does it have to cost so much? How do all these people afford school? I have been denied from most of the financial aid because I make too much money. I am not living like a queen so tell me where the too much money comes in to play? I live pay check to pay check like most people, I don’t have twelve grand a year to spare for school. My final thought is financial aid is a joke.

All in all, I think I just worry too much. Its funny how once you get one thought of doubt in your head, the others come flooding in right behind. I used to be a major worrier. I have learned to calm myself down with that, but things still get to me and eat at me. I could see if I was worried about the mortgage, but I worry about the dumb things. Example being that I found a tiny patch of mold on the mat in my car. It’s been wet and snowy so it was bound to happen, yet I think it is tragic. This also made me realize that I am afraid of mold. Yes I laughed to when it occured to me. I guess I am afraid I am going to catch something from it. I should just trade the car in and call it a day.

Well, I am off for some more reflection. I just hope there are other people out in this world that are neurotic like me!

My Daily Project February 21, 2008

I have realized that since I have been unemployed, my dad has called me with a daily project. I understand that I worked a lot before and wasn’t really around but he is out of control with a list of things to do. It is never a simple task either. It may sound simple when he calls you and next thing you know you have been tied up for an hour or longer taking care of what he needed. Let me give you an example of today.

10:00 AM: The phone rings and he is calling me. He asks me questions about his medicine and if I think he should take more antibiotics. I told him to call the doctor.

1:00 PM: Dad calls to see what I am doing today. Talks about how his tooth hurts and fails to ask if I am feeling any better from my surgery on Monday. I told him I had to go and I was trying to relax today since I didn’t feel well.

6:30 PM: My cell phone rings and I see it’s Dad. I called him back on his house phone from my house phone. “Hi Dad. What did you need?”

“My internet isn’t running right. It’s too slow. Can you call and do something about it for me?”

“Sure. Just stay off the phone incase AT&T has to call you on 3-way. I will call you back and let you know what they say. Just stay off the phone.”

I hung up with him and called AT&T and got a man who spoke no English. I hung up and tried to call again and another non English speaking man answered. He said he had to transfer me to another department and told me to hang on. Instead he hung up on me some how. I called for a third time and actually got some one that spoke English. Half a hour later we determined  that there is nothing wrong with his phone line and his internet would run a lot faster with an upgrade. I told her I wasn’t sure what package he would want and asked her to 3-way him in. She tried to call and the line was busy. She tried again and the line was busy. I called my Dad’s cell and told him to get off the phone. She tried again in five minutes and the line was still busy. I called him back on his cell and at this point I am really pissed because I have now wasted 45 minutes of my time on the phone. Let me show you how the conversation went.

My dad answers like he is doing nothing wrong. “I am on the phone. What do you want?”

Now I am pissed. “I just told you to get off the phone so the phone company can get through. We have been trying to call for ten minutes now.”

“I got tired of waiting for you to call back. I am on the phone with AT&T now. They just upgraded my internet.”

I just hung up on him at that point. I was afraid of what I may say to him. He had me on the phone with the phone company for a hour and he was tired of waiting? So now you see how his daily projects go. My Mom doesn’t want me to go back to work because she said that’s what she goes through everyday. Lets just say I can’t wait until Monday morning!

On a more serious note, I would like to address Braina from Blogger.com. I saw that you have copied and pasted some of my blogs on your weblog. I am flattered that you have to use my writing as your own, but I would like you to take it off your page. I think that is called plagiarism if I am not mistaken. So I am kindly asking you to remove MY words from your blog. Thank you.

So for my nightly recap. 1.Don’t answer the phone anymore  2.Possibly change my phone number so no family can find me  3.Be very happy I am going back to work no matter how much I don’t want to get up in the morning

All in all, life is just ducky! 

I Think It’s Time February 19, 2008

I really think it is time to go back to work. I am going crazy being at home. I think I have seriously ran out of things to do. I know there is always cleaning to be done and laundry, but I want to have some fun. All my friends are at work or sick so here I sit all alone writing. Although the past two days have been very eventful, I feel as if a part of me is really unhappy.

I have a friend who lost her husband and she is not coping well and he passed a year ago. She has two children at home and I feel sorry for them that they not only lost their father, they are now losing their mother. It breaks my heart to sit back and watch it, but you can’t help some one that won’t help themselves. She is also the type that gets mad at everything that you say to her if it is not what she wants to hear. Sadly I had to let her go from my life. I can’t cope with it. I don’t know if this makes me a weak person or not, but I can’t sit back and be treated badly because she is mad at the world. So I guess I have lost a friend that has really meant a lot to me over the years.

I also have another friend who is going through an abusive marriage. She has two little babies and she is lost. She is standing up though and trying to do what she thinks is best.

My heart is just so heavy with sadness for everyone. Occasionally I wish I could go back to being 5 years old and not have a care in the world. But then I remember that I wouldn’t be able to drive and escape from everyone if need be. I don’t understand why I have to be the shoulder to lean on for other people? I am not as strong as I come off. It’s amazing that people think that of me though and I am honored. I just wish there was a way for me to take away the pain and suffering my friends and family have to endure in their lives.

On a happier note I had my oral surgery yesterday and things went well. I am swollen and in pain, but I now have a tooth. Also I start work Monday morning which excites me so! The sad thing is I got so chunky I had to go out and buy new clothes for work. I tried on a shirt I bought two months ago. I barely got it buttoned and I’ll be damned if a button didn’t fly off and head straight for my dog’s eye. I thought we were going for some emergency eye surgery that night. I guess I have to look at the plus side though (no pun intended) I got to buy new clothes and my dog still has her eyes.

A Little Confused February 17, 2008

I don’t understand why people call me and ask my opinion about things. I am so going to tell the truth and hold back nothing if you ask me. I just can’t grasp the concept of not telling the truth. I don’t believe in sugar coating things so I don’t hurt some one’s feelings. That’s like asking the classic question, “Does my butt look big in this?” If your ass looks huge, I am going to tell you! Ugh! I am frustrated with people.

On a lighter note I had to take a drug test for the job I got. This was a very interesting experience. I had to go to a local clinic and everyone in there stares at you like you are crazy when you tell them you are there for a drug test. I had to explain to lady that I was not there because of my probation officer but to pee in a cup to get a job. They suddenly became a lot nicer after I gave them the sheet from the employer. I had to wait about ten minutes to get called to the room to take the test. Now mind you I have had four cups of coffee and have not peed in six hours. The nurse takes me to a room and tells me to take off my coat and pads me down like I am going to jail or something. Then she points to a room and hands me a cup. I have had to do tests before for other jobs so I knew the drill. Little did I know, she would be hot on my trail to come into the bathroom with me. Talk about preformance anxiety! She was staring at me like she expected me to do a trick. I asked her to please not stare at me and she turned sideways a bit. So it only took me ten minutes to register and wait to be called but it took me a good twenty minutes to be able to pee in that damn cup! I think I have a phobia of peeing in a cup now.

I have decided that deep down inside I am not ready to go back to work yet. Just when I was starting to enjoy my days filled with nothing, I get a damn job offer. Now I am going to have to be one of those working girls. I just hate the thought of getting up at 6am everyday and not getting home until 6pm. Everyone at my new job seems really nice and they actually seem to care about their employees. At first I thought this was a trap since the last two jobs I have worked have felt like spending my days in hell. I really didn’t know that their are genuinely nice employers left in this world. Yea for me!

Lets sum it up. Don’t call me unless you want to hear the truth no matter how bad it might hurt, I have a new phobia about peeing, and I think I am really going to enjoy the new job. All is great in the life of CoCo!

Happy Valentine’s Day…..NOT!!!!!!!!! February 15, 2008

This may possibly be one of the worst Valentine’s Days I have ever lived through. It’s does have a good point though, I scored the job at the newspaper. That can always brighten some one’s day. : )

I am one of those bitter people who hate this Hallmark holiday that we have to live through every year. I decided to go with a friend to the movies and we thought we would have a nice relaxing day and no one would be in the theater. WRONG! The theater was full and there were small children running around. First of all, who brings a two year old to see a “grown up” movie? I guess this crazy lady did. She had like three total. My friend finally lost her patience half way through the movie when a child was hanging from her foot and went and got an usher. The usher said something to her and she moved her kids to the bottom row. All was quiet for about fifteen minutes and one of the kids was screaming. I had totally lost all patience at this point and I yelled out seriously. The guy sitting a couple rows down yelled for me to get a grip. How can I get a grip when I paid seven bucks for a matinee? I can’t understand why any one in their right mind would bring a baby to a theater. So if you are one of those moms reading my bulletin, I don’t apologize. Please keep your children at home unless the theater is playing Finding Nemo.

On a nicer note, I got a flat tire on the way home from the movies. I pulled into the closest tire place and they said they patch tires at no charge. Score! I love to hear the word free. My day started to look up from there until the guy said I really need a new set of tires because mine are wore out. I told him no and to just fix what was wrong. Due to the well taken care of streets in my hood, I managed to knock two tires off the rim, had a nail in another one, and a piece of glass in the fourth one. Good thing patches were free. Now you know I am not able to go any where with out some form of drama following me. The guys that worked there looked all panicked before they pulled my car in. I was wondering if they had messed up some one’s car. About ten minutes later one of them asked me if I had given the guy the keys. I had already been waiting an hour because they were so busy and I swore I gave the man my keys. I told him yes. Ten minutes later I put my hand in my pocket to get out my phone, and low and behold, there were my keys. I sheepishly handed them over to the guy turning ten shades of red. So they pull my car in and I think it is going to be smooth sailing from here on out. WRONG! They couldn’t get the lug nuts off the tires. I forgot to explain to them I live in the ghetto and had to get locking lug nuts because some one kept stealing the tire from the back of my Jeep. I gave them the lock from my glove compartment and then they were getting down to business. Who would have thought it was going to be such an ordeal!? I am so grateful I dye my blond hair brown at this point. I bet all those guys that work there are praying they never see my face again.

I also don’t understand why people have to call me and ask me if I got any presents today. I am single for one and I also hate men. So who in God’s green earth would buy me a present. And to my friends who are reading this: If you called to ask if I got a present, you knew the answer and should have bought me one your damn selves!!!

I am going for more dental work on Monday too and I can’t wait. And no my mouth disease still hasn’t cleared up for all you who were wondering. I still have to take that nasty medicine three times a day. Yummy! My tooth I had fixed is still killing me and I have like ten more teeth to go, so this should be a fun month.

Lets go ahead and recap as I like to do. I have a job, I have mouth disease still, I hate people who take children to the movies, I got no gifts for Valentine’s Day, and I am turning into a bitter old maid. Or maybe it will be the crazy cat lady? Only time will tell on this one. Peace out!

More Random Rants February 12, 2008

So I had to go to the dentist today and behave like a big girl so I wouldn’t have to have the happy gas. That shit hurt like hell, I should have been bad so I got the gas! Note to self: Act like an idiot at dentist so I can have a free happy hour. On a lighter note, I still have my flesh eating disease in my mouth so I get to take that lovely medicine that is like rotten pudding for another week. Yummy! I can’t wait to go back on Wednesday. Yes, you read that right. I get to have the other side worked on now that I am in terrible pain on the right. Oh, life is great.

I have to go for a third interview tomorrow for a lovely job. What is up with this interview process these days? How many times do you really need to meet with some one to know if  they are qualified to sell stuff for your company? If I have worked in sales the past two years and had a good reference, what’s the issue? This job sounds like a piece of cake. I don’t have to see anyone! I get to sit at a desk all day and take care of classified ads for companies. Nice after being on my feet for ten hour days the past two years. It actually sounds like something I would be happy doing. Plus it would be nice to get my foot in the door. When I am done with college I will be looking for some where to write and I think that will be the place to be. I wonder if I will be able to write potty words in my column? Maybe they could give me a Rated-R column? We’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

So I was a total bum yesterday and read a book in the morning and laid in bed and watched Lifetime all evening. They were playing my favorite kind of movies. Those sappy little love stories where you want to reach through the television and gauge the beautiful girl’s eyes out because she got the man in the movie. I wish life were that simple. I can’t even meet a nice guy to take me out. They all want to hang out at the bars all the time. I seriously go on a man hating trip after I watch those movies. I can’t remember the last time a guy brought me flowers on a first date. I think this generation of men is being raised very differently from past generations. Ten or twenty years ago a man would have came to your door (not beeped the horn outside your house), brought you flowers (not asked what the hell took so long for you to come out of the house), and then walked you to your door at the end of the night (not drop ya at the end of the driveway and speed off before you ever get to your door). I guess I am into gentleman.

Quick re-cap. Hate the dentist, be bad so I can get a cheap buzz and not be in so much pain next time. Job interview process is nerve racking. And people wonder why half the population is on Xanex! And I will hate men for another week or so because of Lifetime. All is well that ends well.

Thought This Was Cute February 9, 2008

The No-Excuse Sunday

(author unknown)

1. Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say, “Sunday is my only day for sleeping in”.

2. Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from watching TV too late on Saturday night.

3. We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in if they show up for church services.

4. Blankets will be provided for those who complain that the church is too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say it is too hot.

5.We will have hearing aids for those who say, “The pastor talks too softly.” There will be cotton for those who say he is too loud.

6. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to count the hypocrites present.

7. Relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

8. TV dinners will be available for those who claim they can’t go to church and cook dinner too.

9. One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who see God in nature, especially on the golf course.

10. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas pointsetias and Easter lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.

The Local News February 7, 2008

Wow is all I can really say. I woke up this morning and thought I was going to have my usual routine. I was wrong by far. First I had to take my flesh eating disease medicine which left me gagging for an hour, and then my coffee tasted horrible. That was sadness right there. I decided to read the paper and I saw two articles that really made me sad.

The first article was about an 83 year old man with Alzheimer’s Disease. I guess he wandered out of the hospital the night we had the huge fog and they didn’t notice he was missing right away. They were not able to locate his body until the next day and he had already passed. Can you imagine the thoughts that must have been running through that poor man’s head? Not only does he not know who he is or where he is, he is now literally lost in the fog of the world and not only his mind. What a sad and uncalled for death. It’s nice to know that this hospital took such good care of some one’s loved one. I mentally took note of that hospital and will never take any of my family there. I just truly feel for this man and his family.

The second article I read got me even more. They were talking about a recent television interview with one of the local pastors that runs the FCC in Munster. He was in New York doing a television interview on his church and he couldn’t grasp the concept of why he was there. Fox had flown him out and accused him of running a Mega-Church. They accused him of living the life of luxury and taking from the church with a congregation of 10,000. He lives in an up scale neighborhood and his house is worth half a million dollars. They asked how he got all the money for this and he said he has saved over the years and got the home on a foreclosure. What got me the most is Fox asked how he made the trip out of state. The pastor said he had taken his private plane. Yes, you read that correctly. I am not accusing, but that church seems to be a three ring circus. They will have a service with live animals and let hawks swoop through the church. I’m sorry, but when I go to church, I go to worship the Lord. Not to worry about some hawk swooping down and pecking my eye balls from my head. To each is own, but wow. I think he will be right behind Joyce Meyer in investigation.

It’s just sad when you really take a look at what this world is coming to. Does no one have class and morals anymore? It also seems that no one cares about other people. How can you let a man in a sick mental state leave your hospital and no one see him go? I thought that is why they have hired nurses and security? But who am I to judge? As far as the church goes, I am happy that people find it to be a place of solitude and peace. I just hope that the pastor didn’t brain wash his congregation.

Random Rants and Ravings February 6, 2008

So where should I start here. For one, I finally went to the dentist yesterday. I had to take my friend with me for moral support, and yes I cried like a baby. I rather be shot in the leg than go to the dentist. I had to have an x-ray done and I managed to projectile vomit through my nose and not get an ounce on the x-ray in my mouth. I know that is shear talent right there. Please hold your applause. I have to go once a week for eight weeks to the dentist to get my mouth back in shape. Have no fear though, they are giving me the happy gas! Woo! And come to find out I have some damn type of flesh eating disease in my mouth. I think I may die. Okay, not really, have I mentioned I am a hypochondriac? It’s really a small infection, but it is absolutely disgusting. I have to swish with this pudding like liquid four times a day for nine days and swallow the meds. The medicine tastes like a cross between rotten bananas, spoiled milk, baileys, cough medicine, and a can of Pepsi that has been left on the counter for a week. I am so looking forward to the next week.

On a happier note I managed to score a job interview with a company I have been trying to get into for awhile. I am very excited and I think God put this one out there for a reason.

Now back to my complaining. I don’t know why, but I think everyone took a stupid pill today. The only excecption being a few of my friends and the future employer. I don’t understand how some of these people in this world can actually manage to survive on their own. And why do so many people stay in unhappy marriages? Why would you waste your time on some one you don’t love anymore. Life is way too short for that. It’s funny how the unhappy person will tell you the same stories over and over for five years and say they are leaving, but when it comes down to it they are too afraid to leave. I cannot imagine living my life in a constant state of hell. I think I would rather go to the dentist than live like that. (If any of my friend’s are reading this, remind me of that last sentence when I call you crying that I have to go to the dentist on Monday!)

And there’s more. Why can’t people be happy for you? I have been with out a job for a month now and I have been trying very hard to find something. I finally get the call for an interview and I am very excited. I call some one that is very dear to me and all she asked is what they pay and said she had to go. What is with that?!? Couldn’t I at least get a ‘Wow I am so happy for you!’. Noooooo. People just don’t give a rats ass about other people’s feelings. I wish I had the ability to be that rude. It’s just funny how you tell people about something you are really excited about and they totally change the subject like you are not worth their time. The more I write the more I feel I should evaluate the friendships I have a little more closely. I mean every one knows it’s all about me! If life were only that simple?

Gist of the story is, I have flesh eating disease, I don’t think I have very good friends anymore, I have an interview, and no one cares that it’s all about me. Hope everyone enjoyed the long version! ; )

I AM GRATEFUL February 4, 2008

The weather is absolutely terrible tonight. We are getting hit with another of Indiana’s finest snow storms. I can’t wait for some nice summer weather and a day at the pool. I guess we need to geth through the icky weather before we can have the nice.

I was sitting here content with myself basking in the silence. For once all my fuzzy children are laying down, no one to interupt me, just me and my thoughts. I felt so compelled to grab a notebook and start writing down all the things I am grateful for. Who would have thought this would be so difficult for me? I am always expressing my thoughts and how I feel, but faced with my quiet time, I had some problems reflecting. It took me a good ten minutes to write down ten things I am happy about. That is pretty sad. I finally have peace in my life, but yet my mind is so bogged down with worry that I can’t stop everyday to thank God? For some reason this really troubles me.

How many times in one day do we all really think about what we are grateful for? Usually we are thinking about all the negative things happening in our lives that we miss out on those small moments that make history in our lives. Next time you are hurried or you are finding yourself losing your patience, make a list of ten things you are grateful for. By the time you are done, your mind is clear and there will be a smile on your face. Hope I have made at least one person’s day with my small thought.