Need I say more than these pictures…….
The lines:
The guy blocking my coffee creamer:
Are you kidding me:
He posed for me:
She thought no one was looking:
I think this pretty much sums it all up for you guys!
The Attack of the Killer Cheese October 15, 2008
My boss was talking to me today and he kept saying remember when I said this and that? I smiled and nodded but he caught on that I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I can’t understand where my mind has gone in the past couple of months. I am lucky I can still remember how to tie my shoes or chew my food. So I was totally busted and now my boss thinks I am an air head. Yay me!
Last night I had my third nervous breakdown of the month. The other two were mild. This one last night almost put me in the psych ward where I would be drawing on the wall with a crayon in my toes singing What a Wonderful World. I decided to break out my journal. It is the coolest! It’s really just some lame notebook where you can rotate this lever in the front and you can pick from six moods to be in. You know mine pretty much stays at confused. ; ) Back to the breakdown here; I get side tracked easily. I sit down with my ‘hawt’ journal and then my puppy starts a spaz attack and pees on the floor. I clean that up and turn around and she is jumping on the cats. I am yelling like the moron that I am and she is just ignoring me. I busted out the handy-dandy spray bottle. She thought we were playing a game of “Jump on the Cat and Then Chase the Stream of Water Flying at My Head”. Needless to say that was not fun. An hour goes by and I still have not picked up my pen to write. My neighbor called me during one of my famous Turret’s attacks on the dog and asks me if everything is okay. I told her I was busy yelling at the dog and she said she could hear. I think I may have just gotten OwNeD there. She actually made a jab at me when she has the nerve to let her dogs shit in my yard and dig holes that are just big enough for me to slip and twist my ankle in when it’s dark. I am currently plotting my revenge on those neighbors. To be continued on that one…..
I still have not seen the neighbors across the alley. I even drove past the house tonight on my way home from work and it was dark. I had a ton of groceries to carry in so you know I hauled ass doing it. I was afraid that guy would be lurking around out there waiting to grab me and throw me in the river with his baby’s mama. I swear I am not paranoid either. I watch Lifetime you know.
Lets move on to the pet peeve portion of the night. Why do people talk with food in their mouth? I actually had a small piece of cheese propel from some ones mouth tonight and stick to my shirt. I will be honest, I threw up a little in my mouth on that one. It was all chewed up and yellow and stuck on the cream colored part of my shirt. People, if you have food in your mouth, I can wait to talk to you. I know they say time is precious, but so is my damn Express sweater that is dry clean only!
For my nightly recap, I have CRS Syndrome (Can’t Remember Shit), I didn’t get to journal last night, I have a puppy that is capable of plotting revenge on me, my neighbors all need Prozac and they need to share it with my paranoid ass, and I had a chunk of chewed up cheese on my sweater today. All in all I had a pretty damn good day. Tootles!
Stop the Madness October 14, 2008
I swear this is my new puppy. She is officially possessed by rotten demons and I am looking for a priest to come and preform the exorcism. I followed the little shit around the house yesterday so she couldn’t poop in the house. She got back at me for sure. She just didn’t poop at all and sat there miserable to get back at me and make me feel awful. She was happily obliged to pee all over my floor last night a couple of times though. Gotta love having a possessed baby!
On a lighter note my fat ass is craving fried food. I never eat food like that but I could seriously take down a whole chicken right now. I could go for a whole pan of tater tots, a whole fried chicken, and then a bag of chocolate. Oh wait, I already ate the whole bag of chocolate while at work today. The perks of having students that love you is they bring you candy, the bad thing is your ass grows. They warned me about the 20 pounds I was going to gain but I thought they were lying. I see now that I am going for 50!
I just have not been inspired lately. I usually have some great blog stuff but all I really have to write about is stupid people. Maybe I will run with that one?
When a girl says maybe you should take me out, that means ask me out and I will say yes. Men have horrific timing. They do not understand that a woman will not fall over them in the first five minutes of meeting them. It takes time. And guys if you’re reading this, put away your vulgar card. Win her heart with polite things to say with no mention of what you would like to do with your penis and her. That is totally gross. If you can’t say nice things, keep your mouth shut and just smile. She will know what you’re thinking but a woman much rather know what you’re thinking than actually hear it come out of your mouth. Save the dirty talk for later.
That brings me back to a conversation I overheard earlier. Let me spell this one out for you….
“Sup baby” (guy)
“Hey boo” (girl)
“What you doin later?” (This guy really thinks he has game. He has on a pink shirt poppin his collar, with green shorts, and some gold ass shoes. This is the pic a girl would pull off photobucket, send it to another girl, and make fun of it.)
“I don’t know.” (She bats her eyelashes)
“K. I will holla at cha later. Me and the boys are going out for some drinks.”
“Ok. Well, I guess I will talk to you later.”
The poor girl walked away with her head down totally disappointed. Guys, please do not ask what a girl is doing that night unless you have plans to ask her out. Otherwise you fit into the “Dick-wad” category. That’s right, I pulled out my vulgar card there! It just leads a girl on. Don’t get me wrong either, a girl will mess with a guys head too. It’s just sad. I wanted to grab that guy by his ear and pull him back over and explain what he just did. You know that girl got her hopes up and she heard, “I am interested, but I need to know where you’re gonna be tonight so I don’t run into you with this other girl I am taking out tonight”. People play so many mind games. Just say what you think. Life is too short to play those guessing games.
So I got some neighbor drama going on too. This guy who is 45 lives with his 22 year old girl friend who is his baby’s mama. She up and left with the baby and no one has seen her for weeks now. I barely see him there either. You would think he would have his kid though from time to time. No one has seen the baby either. I am seriously starting to wonder if he dumped her in the river or something. Could I be living across from a serial killer and not even know it? He hasn’t even had his other kids over. Something creepy is going on with that one! I think I need to go nail my windows shut so he can’t steal me in the middle of the night and throw me in the river too! (Like how my mind works?)
Same Old Song and Dance October 13, 2008
The title is so fitting. You would think I would learn from my mistakes and move on with life. Some how I am obsessed with all my mistakes. I still sing the same old song and I haven’t changed my infamous dance move since the tootsie roll was invented. You would think with me being so young my life would be ever changing. I have some how been stuck in a rut for over a year now.
I decided to go on a date with a guy that I dated 8 years ago. Looking back on the situation, he was part of my past for a reason. Stupid me started talking to him again and agreed to go out to dinner with him. He was fashionably late picking me up, had the personality of a gym sock, and was too skinny for my liking. Some how I still let myself get exciting and thought maybe he would turn out to be a nice guy and I wouldn’t notice that his left ear stuck out two inches from his head. Needless to say he turned out to be a total ass wipe. He kept texting me asking me what I was doing that night with no follow up. Eventually he fell off the face of the earth. And that my friends, is my Cinderella story in a nutshell.
Now I like a guy that I blew my chance with a few months back. He was interested but I was yet again to worried about what other people would think. I was too blind to see that he is a caring, sweet, and an honest person. I was too busy looking at the exterior and listening to other people’s judgements. I can’t believe how dumb I can be. Sometimes you need to think outside of the box and go for that person that you wouldn’t normally date. You would be suprised at how much you would have in common with that person. I guess if it’s meant to be it will be. I can’t think every minute about how much of dip I really am.
I had to put my dog to sleep a few weeks ago. She struggled with seizures and it turned out to be a brain tumor. I did everything I could, but her time had come. I just got a new puppy. Her name is LuLu and she is a red poodle. You know what’s funny? I never understood that saying about kicking puppies until I got her. I have no clue why this dog is afraid to take a shit outside. Some how I think I will never understand. I have been on her ass today like white on rice and she has not pooped at all in the house. Nor has she went outside either. I think she is saving it for when I go to bed tonight. She loves me like that. Since she is unable to poop in the house today, she has taken to peeing on my floor. When you pick her up, she just keeps peeing all over you. Talk about fun times. I think I would have rather had a baby than gotten a puppy.
As you can see. Nothing has changed at all…….
A Case of the WHAT IF’S July 9, 2008
WELL EVERYONE, I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I HAVE A BAD CASE OF THE WHAT IF’S. LATELY LIFE IS THROWING THINGS AT ME AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH ALL OF IT.
I HAD TO MAKE A VERY HARD DECISION TODAY THAT KILLED ME. ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS HAVING SOME PERSONAL PROBLEMS AND I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HER THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD TO STAY OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE’S MARITAL PROBLEMS SO I HAVE BEEN TRYING HARD TO DO SO. IT HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I AM INVOLVED AND I HAD TO END THE FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE OF IT. THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND IT IS KILLING ME. I CAN’T LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT HER MARRIAGE COULD CRUMBLE THOUGH AND HER HUBBY IS GOING TO BLAME ME. HE IS THAT KIND OF PERSON. THIS IS LIKE LOSING MY SISTER. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW A MAN CAN BLAME YOU FOR ISSUES WITH HIS WIFE. THIS IS SO HEAVY ON MY HEART.
I WAS HAVING SOME PROBLEMS AT WORK, BUT LUCKILY THOSE WERE WORKED OUT. WE WILL SEE IF I GET MY HAPPY ENDING WITHIN THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. I WISH I COULD SAY MORE, BUT I WILL HAVE A NEW BLOG ABOUT THAT IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I HAVE BEEN DOUBTING MYSELF AND MY PAST DECISIONS LATELY TOO. THAT IS NOT LIKE ME. I LIVE IN THE MOMENT AND NOT IN THE PAST. I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN THE PAST FOR TWO MONTHS NOW. ALL I CAN THINK OF IS WHAT IF I DID THIS OR THAT? WOULD MY LIFE BE DIFFERENT? WOULD I HAVE WHAT I WANT? NOW I AM WONDERING IF I HAVE WHAT I WANT AND I DON’T REALIZE IT. IT SOUNDS COMPLICATED WHEN I PUT IT LIKE THAT. MAYBE THAT IS WHY MY BRAIN IS SO CONFUSED. HOW DO WE EVER KNOW IF WE ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS IN LIFE? I ALWAYS PRAY ON THE HARD DECISIONS, BUT WHAT IF I AM PICKING THE WRONG PATH FOR MYSELF? I WISH THERE WAS SOME SURE WAY TO KNOW I AM DOING THINGS RIGHT. THAT IS WHERE MY WHAT IF’S COME INTO PLAY.
SO MANY PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THEY WANT IN LIFE. HERE I AM JUST PLUGGING ALONG AND I FEEL AS IF I AM GOING NO WHERE. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BE MARRIED OR HAVE CHILDREN SO THAT LEAVES ME WITH A CAREER TO CONCENTRATE ON. I CAN’T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE AT THIS POINT. I KNOW I AM STILL YOUNG, BUT LIFE GOES BY QUICK. WHAT IF I AM SITTING HERE AND LETTING IT PASS ME BY?
So Let Me Fill You In May 7, 2008
Life has been just ducky for me. Three weeks ago I had my wisdom teeth barbarically ripped from my head. I was out cold when they did it and I woke up in my bed at 3 in the afternoon so that was nice. I guess I cussed everyone out in the office at the oral surgeon though. That is always embarrassing when you have to go back for a check up and the nurse is giving you dirty looks because you called her a f-in B. Oops! I mean it’s not like they have never had anyone do that before?
Last night I was at the lovely dentist again to get more work done. I ended up getting 4 cavities filled and 2, yes 2, root canals. I wasn’t able to hold my mouthopen for the 2 and half hours so they had to stick blocks in the side of my mouth. Now I have gross skin from being all stretched out. The worst part is the damn pain. I am full of Darvacet. I had to take today off work so I can be drugged up. The nice thing is I am feeling no pain at this point. This blog should be interesting.
Now on to more important matters. Lets talk about dumb-*ss people who cannot drive. Let me set the scene. I decided to drag my mother with me to the store to get my friend’s kid a bithday present. It is a nice day and every moron in the world in on the road. I had 4 people pull out in front of me to go 20 miles below the speed limit. I really didn’t think the Jeep was capable of rolling at a nice, steady 15, but it did just fine. Right when I was ready to pull it into four wheel drive and play demolition derby, the idiot that was in front of me for 6 miles turned. I thought I was on my way when another dip in a wind up car pulled out. Now what in God’s green earth would posses some one to pull out in front of a car triple the size of yours, going 45mph, I will never know. That m-fer pulled out and brake checked me. Now even my mother is cussing at this point. I decided to explore my options. 1) Run him over and take the raise in insurance with a smile of satisfaction 2) Ride his bumper and make him nervous 3) Attempt to pass him on the 2 lane road or 4) Attempt to enjoy the scenery rolling down the street at 10 mph. Now which option do you think I went with? You are right! I rode his *ss leaving about 1 inch of space between us. He kept looking at me in his morrors and giving me a dirty look. How can he have the nerve to give me a dirty look?!?! So we have to make a turn to get out onto the 4 lane road and he is takinghis sweet time making that turn. I couldn’t take it anymore. I layed on the horn and he jumped so high he hit his head on the roof of his matchbox car! He rolled down the window and gave me the finger as I passed him. How gentleman like. Now the real satisfaction comes from cutting him off and then having to make a turn in front of him. Now the guy picks up speed to stay on my bumper. I won though! When I was going to turn he started laying on the horn. I slammed on the brakes causing him to slam on the brakes, causing his little demonic car to smash into the curb. I guess that taught him a lesson….Don’t mess with a crazy pms-ing bitch! What kills me is my mom says that wasn’t nice and she was the one calling him every name in the book!
OH! Just had some excitement on the block and I got to witness the lazy, fat cops that protect our streets. Some one called for a wellness check on the lady that lives across the ally. No one has seen her for a couple of days so they wanted it checked out. So here I go outside and I am surprised they didn’t arrest me for committing a fashion crime. I have my hair pinned back, paw print shorts, a shirt with blue and pink kittens on it, blue paw print slippers and no make up. I am a sight for sore eyes! So the cops are knocking at the door an no one answers. Finally they open a window and the lady cop says she doesn’t want to take everything off to go in and to call some more cops and get one to go in. That is the epiphany of laziness right there. I wish I could call for back up at work when I didn’t feel like doing. Any who, the other cops come and you can tell the one is a rookie and he looks like he is going to pass out when they tell him he is the one to go in. He finally gets through the window and comes out the door and says she isn’t in there. This lady has no family or friends and her car is in the drive way. The cops didn’t find this strage when we told them. So my neighbor has magically disappeared.
On another sad note, my doctor told me I am fat. I am not morbidly obese, I just need to lose 25 pounds. My knees have been hurting and I have been tired. I just thought it was stress so I kept eating those cookies every night. Those cookies have now permanently positioned themselves on my *ss. It’s funny how when you wear dress slacks and sweat pants everyday, you don’t notice the weight creeping on. Try to put on a pair of jeans though and not be able to pull them over your knees. Woo, that’s a reality check. He said I need to exercise and lose the weight. No sh*t S! I think I am aware that the extra weight feels like I have a toddler strapped to my back at all times. I thought about joining a gym, so I went to Curves and checked it out. Not for me. I am not into sweating to the oldies channel. I thought about some other gyms in the area but my OCD has kicked in and I am convinced I am going to catch MRCA. It has been running rampant in my area and the last thing I need is to catch that from a machine that some sweaty person has touched. The whole gym thing freaks me out. You touch things that hundreds of other people have touched, people have germs, and that is how you die. I swear my mind works like no one else’s that I have ever met. I thought about doing some home exercise. I ordered a pilates set off tv 2 Thanksgivings ago when I was drunk and having a sad moment. I decided to take it out of the box two days ago and give it a try. I popped in the dvd and realized I should watch it first so I don’t hurt myself doing the exercises. Some how unbeknownst to me, I ended up watching it in bed with a pack of doubble stuffed oreos and I was exhausted after I watched it and took a nap. So I guess the self motivation exercise is out of the question. I am just lost on how to get this weight off and be healthy about it. Sure I could pop diet pills for a quick fix but the strein on your heart isn’t worth it.
So these are my stuggles this week. I am sure I will have a solution to all of these problems by the next time I write. I just love to keep everyone posted about my pathetic I live. Please feel free to leave exercise tips so I can rid my *ss of the toddler that keeps following me!
PSSSHHHAAAA April 3, 2008
So maybe I lied a bit in my little update. Apparently life is not going well at the moment……
My flesh eating disease is back in my mouth and I swear I am going to die from it. I have to have my wisdom teeth out asap and I am going to the dentist in about an hour. They are so painful that I have pains shooting from my jaw down into my arms and back. I swear if they don’t pull these teeth out in the next week I am going to do it myself. The dental insurance thing is also working my last nerve. How can they only pay $66 a tooth when the surgery is $2,000? What kind of f-ed up medical plan is that? I guess that is good old health care in the United States. Instead of paying out billions of dollars to war, why doesn’t some one help the American Citizens pay medical bills? I shouldn’t have to sign my whole pay check over for medical bills.
That brings me to my next subject. I read in the paper this morning that we are paying out BILLIONS of dollars in gasoline fees for the war we are fighting. I was on my way to work yesterday and gas was $3.15. I figured since I was running late I would stop and get gas on my way home from work. I came home for lunch at noon and they had raised gas up to $3.30 a gallon. In four hours time they decided to raise that damn cost. So, on my way back to work from lunch it had gone up again. Now it was at a whopping $3.54. What the hell? I hope these people that own gas stations have good insurance. At this rate one of them is bound to fall off the damn ladder and break their necks with having to change gas prices four times a day.
Every one is so concerned with going into a major depression again in the United States. I am worried too, but I am more worried about who we vote into office as a nation this year. A lot of people are all for Hilary and Obama. If you listen to their actual views on things though, they could set our government way back. That is a scary thought having to pay $5 for a loaf of bread. Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming everything on our President. I am more for getting a new Congress voted in. They keep voting out all of the good plans Bush had for us. That is so messed up that they have that much control of our FREE COUNTRY. Enough about politics for me though.
I hate being home from work. My mind goes in 50 directions and I end up getting no rest because I am thinking about what I could be doing at work. You would think I would try to get some extra sleep or something considering my arms are now partially paralyzed. I keep thinking about a friend that I lost also. She didn’t pass away or anything, we just grew apart and she couldn’t handle that I would tell her the truth no matter what. I think that if you want to know something, you should be able to handle the whole truth, not the edited version. I am not one to hold things back either. I say what is on my mind and if you don’t like it, then don’t talk to me. I would much rather hear it straight up than have some one sugar coat it so my feelings don’t get hurt. I guess I just don’t understand people anymore. Maybe I truly am a social reject? Oh well, at least I am a happy social retard.
On that note, I am off to the oral surgeon to see when I can get these damn teeth out of my head. Sorry if I offended anyone with my political rants!
A Little Update April 2, 2008
Just wanted to let everyone know I am 6 weeks pregnant. NOT!!!!! Now that I have your attention I will update ya on life.
Things are actually going really well for me. I have a job that I love and the atmosphere is drama free. What a difference from my old job. I am however, on the eternal diet from hell. Some how my weight is continuing to grow from my desk job. Let me tell how that is not fun. I know the smart thing to do is exercise, but I’d much rather be on my non fat Starbucks diet. It’s quite fun doing things totally jacked up on caffeine. You know how that saying goes, “Drink coffee, Do stupid things faster!”.
I sure most of you know that my Grandmother passed away in the beginning of March. That was really a blow to the family. We are all sad she is gone, but life is going on whether we like it or not. My family has bought a new house and we are moving by summer. It will be really nice to have a big house for once. I get the whole upstairs portion so it will be like having my own little apartment. I guess I will just stay at home for awhile then.
The love life is still the same. I am bitter with men, but there seems to be this one guy that really grabbed my attention. I am trying not to get my hopes up; only time will tell as usual.
Well, there you have it. My life has been a bore, yet I am totally okay with all of it.
Life is Good March 3, 2008
For once, I can’t complain about life. I like my new job. Things seem to be going smoothly there. We will see if it lasts though. I think it will. I also work with some great ladies.
I can’t say the same about the love life though. I tried to let go of the past but some how it has jumped up and bit me in the ass. I can’t seem to let that wall that is up go down. I have a great guy who actually accepts me for who I am, yet I can’t see why. I don’t know what is. I did some research on the subject though and 76% percent of women think they do not deserve the guy that they have. Those are some crazy stats. You would think it would be the other way around.
I am still addicted to video games. I won the Guitar Hero Championship on Friday night. You would think I would have gotten a medal or something. All I got was complaining! It is so not my fault that I have nothing better to do than practice my playing.
I am very concerned with our elections going on. Some of the people running for office have strange views on things. The economy is crashing quickly and a total recession is fast approaching. It scares the hell out of me to think we might have another Great Depression.
As for my teeth. My bite is still off. I have to go back to the dentist again. I can’t seem to win. On the other hand, my flesh eating mouth disease has cleared up nicely. Woo!
All in all life is good and I am tired.
Ouch the Truth Hurts February 24, 2008
Ouchy! I just realized a lot of things that I have been avoiding and I am not too happy. I like to just avoid things and hope they go away, but today I have taken some time out to realize what has been eating at me and keeping me from truly being happy.
I am nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. I hadn’t hit me until this afternoon. I don’t know why I am worried. I just don’t like to fail and deep down inside it hurts to think that i might fail. I don’t think I could live with myself if I ever got fired from a job because I couldn’t cut it. Rejection is a bitch.
The one that tugged at my heart the worst was my relationship issues. I know some people may think I am crazy for displaying this for other people to see but unless you share, you don’t heal. Who knows, this may help some one else? I keep having a dream about my ex. It is very vivid and seems like I am really there and not dreaming it. We were happy, but I think we were growing apart. I never really had closure from this relationship and it has been eating at me for two whole years now. In my dreams we always meet for dinner and he tells why things have ended. Logically I woke up from the dream this morning and made the list of why things ended. I think I may have my closure now. That list was pretty damn long. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it before, but it’s like a huge weight has been lifted.
Also I have realized that I am a cimmitment phobe. If there is the slightest chance that a man would want a relationship with me I run like hell. I am allergic to commitment. The very thought of it right now is giving me hives. You would think I would want to share my life with some one and have the chance to be happy, but I always think I have to do things my way. Well, my way hasn’t worked in two years. All it has cause me is pain and heart ache and I am so used to shutting people out, I don’t know how I am going to ever let some one back in.
I am very nervous about going back to school in the fall. I have taken my time picking my major and I am sure of what I want to do, but what if I change my mind yet again? I saw how much my four year education is going to cost me and I got sick from seeing that bill. I know education is worth every penny, but why does it have to cost so much? How do all these people afford school? I have been denied from most of the financial aid because I make too much money. I am not living like a queen so tell me where the too much money comes in to play? I live pay check to pay check like most people, I don’t have twelve grand a year to spare for school. My final thought is financial aid is a joke.
All in all, I think I just worry too much. Its funny how once you get one thought of doubt in your head, the others come flooding in right behind. I used to be a major worrier. I have learned to calm myself down with that, but things still get to me and eat at me. I could see if I was worried about the mortgage, but I worry about the dumb things. Example being that I found a tiny patch of mold on the mat in my car. It’s been wet and snowy so it was bound to happen, yet I think it is tragic. This also made me realize that I am afraid of mold. Yes I laughed to when it occured to me. I guess I am afraid I am going to catch something from it. I should just trade the car in and call it a day.
Well, I am off for some more reflection. I just hope there are other people out in this world that are neurotic like me!
